Right now your brain is firing off a hundred various ways in which making love in a video game is horrible. Surely, you have things that you would change to make the experience better. Some of you may even just want to be able to see more action. But that’s not the problem I have with the experience.

First off it’s not very immersive.

Kidding.

Role playing games are becoming more of a unique experience for the player. You get options on how you want to handle situations that could come back to haunt you. But the one that doesn’t seem to bite you in the ass (not that we’d know, they don’t show us the whole cut scene) is that ultra personal relationship with another character of your choice.

The real problem is that romance in video games isn’t realistic or imaginative in the slightest. With as quick and smooth as your character is allowed to operate in a video game, you’d think he was rocking a turtleneck and chain. Ladies can’t resist it.

I’ll admit other forms of media (like movies) are probably the culprit in this fantasized idea of how sex is to be made, but come on video games, now is your time to shine! Why not have making love to another character a long drawn out process that could end up with you getting a crazy stalker? Maybe the alien you just romanced has an 800 pound ex-boyfriend that just saw you to leaving the coffee shop and decided to follow you back to your place and confront you. Maybe you get her pregnant and due to her species expedited life cycle that she neglected to tell you about, you end up having a litter of some new human-alien cross breed species running around in a couple weeks time. Now you have a dozen mouths to feed and not enough people to watch them while you’re off trying to save the galaxy. So you do like any heroic father would and you have your armor altered so you can carry one or two of them on your back like Yoda.

It’s also a bummer that the actual work that goes into trying to sleep with another person isn’t more along the lines with what we’re accustomed to. There’s the possibility that you could be making moves on all these potential bed partners and in reality, you made some dumb move with one of them, so she goes off and tells all the others about it, and even though they keep stringing you along, they have ZERO intentions of banging you. But let’s assume that you DO land someone, AND have all those space babies. Again, this could all change dependant on your choices earlier in the game, but maybe you NEVER have sex because you both had a really rough day of getting shot and stabbed, so you just go to bed. I mean, you probably stink from running around in that armor all day, carrying kids on your back…no one wants anything to do with that. Plus, your new kids are bound to interrupt the shit out of you or at least not go the fuck to sleep while you’re still in the mood.

Video games ARE art, but sometimes they need to do a better job of imitating life.

Steve "Slurms" Lichtsinn

Blogger and Podcast host for Multiplaying. All viewpoints in my words whether written or spoken are my own, and do not reflect the views of the community I am a part of. I don't do this for a living, and it shows!